"Rape" is a bit harsh. Let's call it "unrestrained love" instead.

As most of you have seen by now, MacArthur Genius Grant Recipient Missouri Senate candidate and Member of the House Science and Technology Committee Todd Akin made some very insightful comments on why we should not allow abortion exceptions for victims of rape. He demonstrated his impressive command of scientific and medical knowledge when he said, "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Now ladies, before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain what Mr. Akin (resident expert of OB/GYN for the state of Missouri) is talking about. According to a 1996 study by the Medical University of South Carolina, "an estimated 32,101 pregnancies result from rape each year." This study is quite misleading (what else would we expect from the radical feminist and pro-abortion agendas of the state of South Carolina?), as it fails to distinguish between "legitimate" and "illegitimate" rape. Let's break it down to better understand Rep. Akin's comments:

-The study claims that "the majority" of rape pregnancies "occurred among adolescents." Obviously, teenagers who claim to have been "raped" are simply attempting to pass off blame for their pre-marital fornication. Even the non-consenting teen girls cannot be characterized as "legitimate" rape victims, as this group is notorious for dressing promiscuously and inciting "unwanted" male attentions. This is just common sense, a trait clearly linked to the Y chromosome.

-The study continues to report that most of the pregnancies "resulted from assault by a known, often related perpetrator." I will defer to leading psychiatrist Idaho State Senator Chuck Winder to explain why this automatically excludes such pregnancies from the "legitimate rape" category. He feels that women are not able to determine whether or not they have been raped: "I would hope that when a woman goes in to a physician with a rape issue, that physician will indeed ask her about perhaps her marriage, was this pregnancy caused by normal relations in a marriage or was it truly caused by a rape." This clears things up considerably. If you are married, you cannot be raped. This has already been established by law in progressive countries. Additionally, our pre-Constitution proclaims that father-daughter sex is not rape if the father really wants it to happen. Therefore, we can reasonably conclude this entire group is rape-free.

-Most of the women who believed they were raped did not receive any medical attention after the incident. This is very damning evidence, as the US health system's wide accessibility and affordability provide victims many resources to go and ask their doctor if they were really raped, or were just having sex with their husband/dad. If the doctor is unsure, he can re-create the experience for her to be certain. There can only be one reason a woman would not seek such care: illegitimate rape.

-Finally, back to the science that Rep. Akin was trying to teach us before we got all PMSy and controlling. The study finds that 11.8% of the pregnant women experienced "spontaneous abortion" AKA miscarriage. The uteri of the legitimate rape victims were able to "shut that whole thing down," as Akin eloquently explained. As we have demonstrated, all other sources of pregnancy were not as rapey as these conniving women would have us believe, so we can assume that this final group is the only one experiencing legitimate rape.

A few brave men, including VP Candidate Paul Ryan and our dear Rep. Akin, tried to clarify the legitimate vs illegitimate issue last year by re-naming it "forcible rape." I propose they have not gone far enough. What is rape, really, but a man trying to show a woman the strength of his affections for her? It may even be good for her! Therefore, I believe we should re-title rape "unrestrained love" to help women better understand what is happening to them when men simply cannot hold back their exuberant joy to be with them.

Author's Note:
Please understand that I felt the only way I could address such an utterly ridiculous view was with an equally ridiculous response. This is a difficult topic and the sarcasm is employed to make it easier to discuss.